BIAFTA – The Bedroom-In-America Free Trade Agreement
A few months back I posted about an exchange with our 11-year old stemming from his objection to certain household rules. A mentor from my early entertainment law days replied, posturing as our son’s attorney. The back-and-forth that ensued was fairly entertaining. I’m sharing it here for posterity.
FACEBOOK POST – November 21, 2018
Our son informed us he intends to file an application at the UN to have his 11 x 12 foot bedroom recognized as an independent country within the borders of another country, like Vatican City.
His father and I are completely supportive.
We offered to provide access to our utilities, Internet, provisions, plumbed water, certain domestic services and passage through other rooms of the house for ingress and egress into the rest of the US, in exchange for fair-trade bartered labor services or hard cash.
*insert record scratch meme here*
*Child slouches toward his bedroom, dreams and ambitions defeated*
Poor kid. It’s not his fault his mom and dad both built their careers on negotiating skills.
WH: I have been retained by your son in connection with the aforementioned negotiations. While you may continue to communicate directly with your son in connection with your parental duties and his obligations as a son, demand is hereby made that any and all correspondence in connection with the matter at hand be directed to my attention. To the extent you fail to comply with this request and/or my client feels that his needs are not being properly addressed…..well just use your imagination to conjure up the grief and anxiety I can inflict. In the meantime, demand is made for extended ‘stay awake at night hours’, double portions of desert and that you continue to provide him with no less than three meals a day. Thank you for your attention to this matter. I am confident we can reach an amicable solution as I would hate to see you cry in court.
ALEX: Mr. H – Our original offer to your client still stands and we look forward to setting up BIAFTA (The Bedroom-In-America Free Trade Agreement) should he desire to do so. We will also seek to reclaim attorneys’ fees, if any, in this matter, which may be recompensed through additional household services in the form of toilet cleaning. Please advise your client to govern himself accordingly.
WH: I do not appreciate the tone of your response. Notwithstanding, my client intends to exhibit the highest degree of dignity and respect while forced to remain in a hostile country. Nevertheless, I would appreciate your carrying your passport with you when you desire to enter his bedroom. A metal detector/scanner is being delivered today and while your TSA/Global Entry may work when you leave his premises, rest assured you must take your shoes off and empty your pockets upon entry. Thank you for your understanding during these difficult times.
WH: I am sorry that I disappeared but I was in meetings with Antonio Guterres today discussing my client’s situation. I have submitted our application to join the United Nations. Notwithstanding your stonewalling us, my client plans to move forward with this matter. http://www.un.org/en/sections/member-states/about-un-membership/index.html
ALEX: Mr. H – I’m glad you reached out because a matter of urgency has arisen that you must discuss with your client. We live in a THREE-BEDROOM HOUSE (two now, actually, exempting the provisional status of your client’s territory). If your client insists on proceeding with constructing a BORDER WALL from the more than 10,000 Legos he has amassed during his childhood, then such wall must adhere to international conventions regarding territory disputes and reside entirely within the confines of what he is now referring to as “Bedroomlandia” AND NOT encroaching on our ability to traverse the hallway by placing it outside his door. This situation must be rectified immediately or I will be forced to escalate the matter. I will await your response in the sincere hope your client will see fit to act reasonably.
WH: Ms. Tillson…..as the one who enabled, funded, encouraged and otherwise was the (dare I say) dealer who was responsible for my client’s obvious Lego-addiction, I must ask you to provide me with written evidence of any and all use restrictions that my client agreed to when you delivered same to him. Until you deliver such a document that contains his signature, I prefer that our next communication take place either before the Security Council or The International Court of Justice. I am not surprised that you take such a shallow, weak position…..obviously a reflection of your working with a lawyer in the early stages of your career who misguided you in all facets of life. I remain shocked by your disregard for my client’s welfare. Good day to you m’lady…..good day indeed.
ALEX: Well, Mr. H, before we can even begin dealing with said “border wall” we have a new problem: immigration. There are two OTHER CHILDREN in Bedroomlandia at this moment that your client invited over who have requested asylum status to remain inside. Their parents—having arrived here to pick them up—are apoplectic that they must contact you instead of taking their kids home for dinner. Don’t you think this is getting a little out of hand? I mean, really, what’s next? CNN?!
One Response to “BIAFTA – The Bedroom-In-America Free Trade Agreement”
This is it. I’m done. You write so well that I refuse to write another brief without your help! Outstanding!!!!! Do you need an immigration lawyer? You would however have to write the briefs, after a few suggestions on my part. May the peace be with you….